


of nightmares and pipe dreams

by SteveTrevorsStarship



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: "brothers" my ass, Character Study, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Space Therapy, Wait no thats the parody ahah, big sad, dont read this, i didnt fix everything but, i made it more bearable, if sadness about your friends dying is a trigger, of a sort, rae carson can suck my dick, space baseball, spaceball?, tros fixit meets a tlj fixit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23217841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteveTrevorsStarship/pseuds/SteveTrevorsStarship
Summary: "You can’t just soldier through the rest of your life like you have been through this war. You need to sit down and talk it out.”“Isn’t that what I’m doing?”She shakes her head and offers him a kind smile. “Not with me, Poe.”That night, he talks with Kare for the first time in ages. He doesn’t expect the loving hug he gets from her, or to be sobbing into each other’s shoulders for the rest of the night.The next night, he talks with Rose about Paige and the dreadnought. She smiles and tells him that Paige would have died to save just one person. It helps to know she died saving so many.The third night, he talks to Finn. Actually talks instead of noncommittal grunts and fleeting kisses. They talk every night after that, too.He starts feeling less numb, little by little.(Or: Poe gets a little less lost.)
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 9
Kudos: 59





	of nightmares and pipe dreams

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry this exists, I really am. 
> 
> Go find me on tumblr at thischeesenugget because APPARENTLY AO3 ISNT LETTING ME LINK STUFF AHFNFHNVHFJ
> 
> Day 5 of quarantine and i still cant write
> 
> what am i even talking about this was spring break

_“We lost… so, so many people at Exegol. We thought it was going to be our last stand. Thought it was all we had left. And some of those people died without knowing that the Resistance’s spark burst into flames. They did not know we did not just wither away. We fought to the end and despite the odds– we won. And they’ll never get to know that victory. That will always be my greatest regret.”_

* * *

“What does the Resistance mean to you, Dameron?” Leia Organa asks a young Poe. He may not actually be all that young but, kriff, he’s got room to grow.

“A rebel faction fighting against the First Order,” Poe says simply. He still has his New Republic Navy flight suit on and his hair is smudged in engine grease. He looks tired, beaten, ready to fight back, but– 

But something is holding him back. 

“I can’t help you right now, General Organa.”

She smiles tightly. “I know, Dameron.”

* * *

Poe pats BB-8’s head sadly as it beeps in frustration. He’s looking at the X-wings, looking at all the ones that aren’t there anymore. He’s looking at the ghost of Snap’s. 

“I know, buddy,” he says. “I know.”

Poe sees Kare, stands up to say– 

He doesn’t really know what to say. 

He never has.

* * *

Two months after he meets Leia, after the First Order kills Muran– 

“What does the Resistance mean to you, Poe?”

“It’s my duty,” he says, tiredly, but with compassion.

( _Leia thinks this at least partially right. Poe Dameron was a flyboy until he was a commander._

_And then the commander lost a man, and, well._

_She hates even thinking about it, but losing men is how you learn your best lessons.)_

* * *

It’s been a week since Exegol, and Poe is still shaking. He thinks he’ll shake for the rest of his life. He’s talked to Kalonia about it, talked to a therapist, he’s _tried,_ he just– he can’t. 

But now, he’s just sitting in his quarters. There’s no General stuff left to do, no job, just free time and Poe hates having space to think. It’s when his thoughts wander and Snap’s ghost comes back and tries to tell him _itsnotyourfaultitsnotyourfault_ but it sounds oh so much like something the real Snap would say and Poe thinks he’s losing his mind and he can’t breathe _whycantibreathe_ – 

And then somebody’s there, holding his jaw and brushing soft fingertips up and down his brow bone. He can’t hear what they’re saying but he does hear numbers and Finn’s soft voice, Finn’s soft _everything_.

“What’s going on, Poe?” Finn says gently.

Poe stops in his arms, looking into those deep brown eyes and lets one last sob escape his throat. “I can’t be happy Finn. They’re dead. He’s dead. She’s dead. I– I can’t–”

Finn doesn’t say anything. He pulls him closer, kissing his forehead and letting his soft breaths tickle Poe’s hair. 

He doesn’t say it’ll be okay. 

Poe tries not to think about why he doesn’t.

* * *

After Crait, after the shame and guilt of having killed some of the people most important to the Resistance, after realizing– 

_What_? What exactly did he learn in that whole affair?

He doesn’t really know.

He already knew people were important. He knew his squadrons weren’t just numbers or figures on a screen. He _is_ one of those people, after all, and some of those people are his best friends. Snap, Jess, Kare, and everyone else. He would give the _world_ to keep them alive. 

But he would also give the world to burn the First Order.

He doesn’t know. Maybe he’s too angry. Maybe Leia’s right; he needs to take a step back and look at this differently.

The Falcon takes off and Leia looks at Poe with dark eyes that are swirling with emotion. “Poe–”

He doesn’t hesitate to answer the question he thinks she’s going to ask. To give her the answer he thinks she wants.

“Fighting back, Leia. One person at a time.” 

He doesn’t bother to explain it before walking away. 

He’s doing what he can.

( _Really, Leia was going to ask if he was okay. She knows he was putting on a strong face after Crait, leading them all out of there like that, but she saw his face when he thought they were doomed. She already knows he’s terrified and a lot less okay than he’s letting on._

_It’s a stupid question, but she doesn’t know what else to say to him._

_When he walks away without another word, answering the wrong question and leaving her with a sick feeling in her stomach, Leia doesn’t say anything._

_She will always regret that.)_

* * *

He stops shaking, eventually.

That’s when the numbness creeps in. When the shock wears off and the shadows in the night stop scaring him. It’s like he’s lost everything when he knows for a fact that he’s still got Finn, Jess, and everyone else.

He goes through his day. He does his duty. He flies again. Doesn’t bother trying to spy, though; half the system’s probably got his face memorized down to the curls from all the Wanted Holos the First Order sends out.

He goes to a therapist. She helps. 

One day, she asks him if he knows the reason he feels this way.

“Because I’m terrible and I self-sabotage my happiness?”

“Because the fight is over, Poe. You can’t just soldier through the rest of your life like you have been through this war. You need to sit down and talk it out.”

“Isn’t that what I’m doing?”

She shakes her head and offers him a kind smile. “Not with me, Poe.”

That night, he talks with Kare for the first time in ages. He doesn’t expect the loving hug he gets from her, or to be sobbing into each other’s shoulders for the rest of the night.

The next night, he talks with Rose about Paige and the dreadnought. She smiles and tells him that Paige would have died to save just one person. It helps to know she died saving so many.

The third night, he talks to Finn. Actually _talks_ instead of noncommittal grunts and fleeting kisses. They talk every night after that, too.

He starts feeling less numb, little by little.

* * *

Finally, when Leia dies on Ajan Kloss, she asks him one last time. 

“Keeping the people we love alive, Leia.” 

She nods. 

( _She’s satisfied with the answer, but that doesn’t mean it’s what she’s looking for. He’s not quite there yet, but he’ll get it. She knows he will._

_She also knows he’s a little pre-occupied with his Co-General and losing his Space Mom, so, of course, his mind is on love.)_

* * *

Three months later, after a big meeting with the New Senate and trying to build a government from the ground up, Finn sits Poe down on their bed and holds his hands in his own, kissing his knuckles and smiling up at him. 

“What’s with the lovefest?” Poe asks, narrowing his eyes at Finn but not snatching his hand away from him. 

“I love you, you know.” 

“I am _aware_ , yes.”

“Seriously, Poe?” The sarcasm is dripping from Finn’s tone. Poe decides to ignore it.

“Seriously, Finn. I know.”

Finn drops his head onto Poe’s chest and groans. The pilot chuckles and pulls him closer, laying them horizontal on the bed and tangling their legs together. 

The night outside the window is dark. Poe looks at it from over Finn’s shoulder. A heavy silence falls over them.

He doesn’t know what makes him ask it, really. Maybe it’s the night, maybe it’s Finn’s comforting presence, or maybe Poe’s just super introspective when he’s about five minutes away from falling asleep fully clothed. 

But when Poe asks “What does the fight mean to you?” something clicks. It feels right, somehow, talking with Finn about this. 

Finn pauses for a moment. “Well, it means you and Rey and Rose, really. All the friends I’ve met.”

“No, buddy, I meant–” 

“I know what you meant, Poe. Let me finish. I’ve got regrets, starting with not leaving the Order earlier. There had been times, beforehand, when I already knew. Jakku wasn’t the first time they put a gun in my hands and asked me to kill. I should have turned tail and ran. But here’s the thing– if I hadn’t waited, if I hadn’t had my regrets, Poe, I never would have met you. I never would have joined the Resistance.” 

He looks at Poe to see if he’s understanding what he’s saying. So far, the pilot is lost. Finn chuckles fondly and says, “What I’m trying to say is that my fuckups, all those things I regret are the reason I’m here, with you, and fighting. All those times I tried to run away to the outer rim– in the end, it ended up working out. Because that’s what life does. It throws you a curveball and you make the wrong decision. You swing. The balls ends up wacking you in the face, so what do you do?”

“Throw the ball back?”

“No, you colossal bantha shit, just walk to first base like a normal human being,” the younger man says with a gentle smile playing at his lips. 

Poe deadpans, “Finn, this is the vaguest answer I’ve ever heard.”

Finn pauses for a moment. And then he says, “Do you regret the Dreadnought?” 

“Yes.”

“Really? If given the same options, would you make the decision Leia made? Would you pull back?”

This time, Poe doesn’t answer. 

Finn continues. “Poe, Leia did what she did that day because she thought she was teaching you a lesson. And I think you’re confused– you’ve always been confused– because _you didn’t really learn anything._ All these years and you’re still trying to figure out what the damn lesson was when the fact is, she was teaching you something you already knew. You already knew your pilots and soldiers aren’t just cannon fodder. You’re not a bureaucrat, Poe. You already knew every death hurts. You just took the risk of that and weighed it against entire civilizations being enslaved or killed by a dreadnought.”

Poe doesn’t look him in the eye, but Finn moves closer anyways, wrapping his arm around Poe’s neck and bringing his forehead to rest against his.

Poe closes his eyes and asks, “Do you think I made the right decision?”

“Poe, I think you made _a_ decision, and it got us to where we are today. Everybody has different commanding strategies, different battle tactics. Everybody has regrets, things they’ve learned. Everybody fucks up, even Leia. Even you.”

“I still don’t get it. What does this have to do with what you fight for?”

“Because I fight for the future brought to me by the decisions I’ve made. I don’t fight for my regrets or the lessons I’ve learned. I fight for the future that I’ve got with you and Rey and Rose and Jess and BB and every other idiot that decided they would be our friends.” Poe cracks a smile at that. “You fight for the same thing, you just haven’t really gotten the memo yet. Yeah, people have died. That’s– ”

“It’s not really a forgive and forget situation, Finn,” Poe interrupts, his voice cold and hard. 

“No, but it is the way it is. There’s nothing we can do about it. Right or wrong, we’ve made our decisions, and we fight for the future of those decisions. We can’t just forget about it, after all, there’s blood on our hands. But we’re at that future, Poe. We’ve arrived.”

“So?”

“So, the time for making life-altering decisions is over. We can’t keep wallowing over our regrets forever.”

Poe remains silent, processing it. Finn kisses his nose lightly then lays back down, and closes his eyes.

“I love you,” Poe says finally. “I didn’t say it earlier.” Finn opens one eye before closing it and smirking. 

“I’m aware.”

“Asshole.”

“I learned it from the pro, after all.”

“Who, Rey?”

“Go to bed.”

“What’s wrong, buddy, can’t defend your own argument?”

“ _For the love of–”_

* * *

_“But that’s the way it is. They’re not here with us, today, so they’re gonna need us to live for them. They died for a future where their children would be safe and their homes wouldn’t be blasted to pieces. They might not know how it ended up, but chances are, they did what they did hoping it wasn’t all for nought in the end. And they were right. We get to live in the future they made. That’s what all this is about. Let’s celebrate them.”_


End file.
